Courtship is for Marriage

Aaron Anderson | 2025 LLC Summer Services – Youth Presentation

The Meaning of Love

What comes to your mind when you hear the word “love?” It is a profound and multifaceted term, yet in today’s world, its meaning has been tragically distorted. Many equate love with infatuation or sexual gratification, believing that when these feelings fade, love ends. Such misunderstandings often lead to fleeting relationships in the world.

In English, “love” encompasses various meanings, reflecting a range of emotions and bonds. Martin Luther, in What Luther Says distinguishes between “divine love” and “human love.” His writings emphasize love for God and neighbor, asserting, “Self-love is always sinful as long as it stays in itself; it is not good unless it is out of itself in God, that is, unless my inclination to have my own way and my love for myself are dead, and I seek nothing but to have the will of God alone done in me, ready for death, for life, and for every form my Potter wants to give me” (What Luther Says, pg. 828). Modern culture promotes “self-love” as prioritizing oneself above others. Once one has received sufficient “self-love,” then one can focus on helping others. Yet as sinful beings, we never feel satisfied.

If Luther were alive today, witnessing the self-obsession on social media and the endless streams of self-promotion, he might marvel that God has not yet ended this world. Paul’s words to Timothy remain strikingly relevant: “People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Tim. 3:2, NIV).

In the original language of the New Testament, the Greek language, two words are used for love:

• Agape (ἀγάπη): Selfless, unconditional, sacrificial love. Used extensively (e.g., John 3:16; 1 Cor. 13) for God’s love for humanity, Christian love for others, and the ideal of divine love.

• Phileo (φιλέω): Brotherly, affectionate love, emphasizing friendship or emotional warmth. Used in John 21:15–17; John 16:27 and elsewhere.

There are two more words in Greek that mean love which, notably, are not used in the New Testament:

• Eros (ἔρως): Romantic or passionate love.

• Storge (στοργή): Familial love. Not used directly as a noun, but its negative form (astorgos) appears in Romans 1:31 and 2 Timothy 3:3 to critique the absence of natural affection.

Paul, in his letter to the Corinthians describes love: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Cor. 13:4–7, NIV).

Notice the absence of physical attraction—*agape* is a selfless, divine love.

Noah Webster’s original dictionary defines love as: 

1. An affection of the mind excited by beauty and worth of any kind...love between the sexes is a compound affection, consisting of esteem, benevolence, and animal desire... The love of God is the first duty of man, and this springs from just views of his attributes or excellencies of character, which afford the highest delight to the sanctified heart. Esteem and reverence constitute ingredients in this affection, and a fear of offending him is its inseparable effect.

2. Courtship; to woo; to solicit union in marriage.

A modern Webster’s definition of love: “A romantic attachment or relationship.” This definition is most associated with courtship today.

In modern times we are married because we have “fallen in love” with our spouse. Which married couple here would say, “We were married because I needed someone to help with house chores.” Or, “we were married so I could live on his or her income.”

Unable to imagine life without our spouse, we jump headlong into marriage. God instills in each of us this feeling and desire to become “one flesh.” I remember well this feeling in those early days of our courtship.

I was so full of amazement, joy, and happiness that I remember thinking, “I wish I could give a great, big, bear-hug to this entire world!” Yet this feeling did not come from lust of the flesh. I felt it was a pure gift from God himself. It was a feeling so strong, that it completely and utterly turned my world “upside down!”

“Falling in love,” however, was not always the explicit reason for marriage in antiquity where marriages were often arranged by the couple’s parents. We can read about the very first arranged marriage: “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. But for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:18,20–25). God arranged this union and love followed.

Because arranged marriages were the norm throughout the Bible extraordinarily little is written about the topic of courtship. Did this mean that newly engaged and married couples did not experience an affection towards each other because their spouse was chosen for them? Not so!

We can recall the tender scene from the Old Testament when Isaac and Rebekah’s arranged marriage grew into love: “And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming. And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel. For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. And the servant told Isaac all things that he had done. And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death” (Gen. 24:63–67). Rebekah, a believer, chosen by God through Abraham’s servant (v. 2–4), brought faith and love to their bond. Abraham trusted God’s guidance (Prov. 3:5–7).

What is the Purpose of Courtship?

Proverbs 18:22 says “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord.” And as we read earlier in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” We clearly see how the purpose of courtship is marriage. I even found an article online not written by a believer that explained: “Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other.” (https://www.traditionalcatechism.com) I was heartened that there are yet those in unbelief who hold the traditional view of courtship.

At 1996 Summer Services a presentation on courtship explained that Christian courtship should begin with the prayer that God would grant His blessing. It should begin only with the purpose and hope of a lasting marriage. Christian courtship is such a serious matter that we should avoid foolish matchmaking, and excessive teasing.

Courtship – A Unique Love Story

Every courtship is a unique love story. It often begins with infatuation, a natural feeling that can even arise toward unbelievers. God’s kingdom has always instructed that to act on these feelings is not correct. A sin of the first world was marriage with unbelievers (Gen. 6:12). This is still a sin and will always be a sin, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14). Sometimes it has been asked, “how do you know that this believer is not going to lead that unbeliever into the kingdom, if they begin courting?” One is not led by the light of the Holy Spirit through sin. One may repent, but that is a different matter. We do not consider courtship as mission work. Consider the following true stories.

An Infatuation with an Unbeliever

A believing boy in high school heard through his unbelieving classmates that a certain girl wanted to go out with him. In the past, he had not really noticed this girl, but now after hearing this bit of surprising news, he began to notice her. He saw that she was attractive, respectable, a bit shy, and good natured. He never heard bad stories or gossip about her from others. Soon, the boy found himself walking next to her between periods. A friendship grew and soon it became more than just a friendship. It was turning into an infatuation. There was one problem. She did not share the same faith. She was not a believer. The boy’s flesh burned with a desire to date her. However, he didn’t dare, for his conscience warned against such action. The prayer in the boy’s heart to be preserved as a believer rose to the Heavenly Father. He remembered the instruction, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14).

Confessing his faith in conversation to her felt impossible, so finally he wrote a letter to the girl. He explained the reason he could not date her was because of his faith. He said he felt a love towards her undying soul that was greater than this temporal infatuation, and he hoped that she could one day believe the gospel and repent.

The boy received a letter back from the girl. She stated that when she first read his letter she felt very sad and cried. Then she became angry. She felt accused of being a bad person. The believing boy and the unbelieving girl’s friendship did not completely end, but it stayed as just a casual friendship for the remainder of high school.

Through the power of God, the boy was preserved from the temptation of being disobedient to the teachings of God’s Kingdom in that instance. That boy is now a grandpa, and he still has the prayer in his heart that his former classmate could one day receive the grace to believe her unbelief forgiven.

“Courtship is for Marriage”

Two young believers sensed a growing attraction between them and began courting. The young woman came from an unbelieving home, having repented years earlier while still in middle school. Now, at the wise age of 19, she was firm in her resolve not to marry until at least age 25. The brother of the young man courting her overheard her comment about waiting until 25 years old to get married and gently responded, “But don’t you know that courtship is for marriage?” Now, ten years later, they are preparing to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary. God has richly blessed their marriage, sustaining them through both trials and joyful times.

A Summer to Remember

A young believing man went “Eurailing” with his friend one summer. The trip happened to take place during a time in the young man’s life when he felt hard-pressed to pause from his work and studies. He had a definite career-path in mind, and it was going to involve much time, energy, and devotion to attain it. His friend suggested the trip, and the pull toward travel and adventure won over reason and logic. After time spent in lower Europe, they traveled to Finland to attend summer services. The young man was eager to return home after Summer Services to continue his work and studies, but on a whim decided to extend his ticket. This would afford him the opportunity to attend the Reisjarvi Opisto services and then to travel back home on the same flight as his friend. During that extended time, the young man met an extremely outgoing and pretty young lady who, at one point, had stated “I will never marry an American!”

That was 27 years ago already. In our 26 years of marriage there has been much joy, happiness, and celebration. But there have been heavy trials, defeats by the enemy of souls, and tears. We both carry our corrupt portion but through our life together God has still blessed our marriage. We pray for his continual blessing.

Practical Considerations of Courtship and Marriage

 “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith” (1 Tim. 5:8).

When a couple is smitten by “the love bug,” often one cannot think of anything else other than wanting to one day marry this special person God has suddenly introduced into their life. It is therefore good to be reminded that Marriage brings with it many responsibilities, and one needs to be able to provide for his or her family. The emotional and financial demands are very real and can at times be exceptionally heavy. It is important to be prepared for this. This includes among other things maturity, responsibility, some type of livelihood, and perhaps training and education. God certainly gives all things to us; but it is possible, through our own neglect, to bring on some of our own burdens. It is prudent and wise to plan with some degree of preparation. Above all, we want to make these plans while trusting in our Heavenly Father: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes:fear the Lord, and depart from evil” (Prov. 3:5–7).

Conduct in Courtship

How should a believer act during courtship?

I wondered how young, courting couples would answer this type of question in today’s day and age and so I asked different couples who were courting or had recently courted, “What words of advice would you give to newly courting or married couples?”

“It’s a special time in your life, and God gave you this special person just for you. Keep communication key. Even if the courtship does not work out in the end, they were meant to be in your life at that moment as it was God’s intention all along. So, don’t feel like it was a mistake. The same goes for those newlyweds who may still have doubts on if it was the right person you married; God wouldn’t have let the marriage happen if He didn’t intend for you to marry your spouse. Trust that His plan is the perfect one!”

“From the beginning set boundaries. Go to youth discussions together (courtship discussions are very helpful). Attraction deepens as the relationship grows, and the couple becomes closer. The physical draw between the couple is natural, it’s God’s gift for procreation but He has intended sex for marriage. Sometimes, even hugging can come from a lustful standpoint. So, we must remember to be very open communicators. Remind each other of the boundaries, and approach each other with a believing heart. The gospel is the glue that keeps you together.”

“Especially at the beginning of a courtship I think it’s important to talk about faith and make sure you believe the same. I would also encourage couples to freely use the gospel. It can be hard or even scary to ask for your sins forgiven, but it always makes you feel so free after. Discussing matters with each other helps you feel a lot closer and builds a relationship where faith is the foundation.”

“Be able to share the gospel with one another, and discuss about matters you may struggle with. Tell each other everything; don’t hold secrets from the other.”

Scriptural Advice

In Scripture, we can plainly read about the fruits of a believer as they relate to courtship.

Paul instructs in his second letter to Timothy to “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Tim. 2:22).

To the Thessalonians he says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before” (1 Thess. 4:3–6, NIV).

Our present culture has bred a hedonistic or pleasure-seeking society. The standard of living is high, disposable income is high, and the human imagination has a huge playground. Sensuality and ways of exciting and pleasing the flesh have sunk to almost unbelievable depths of filth and corruption. In our society there exists an unbridled fascination with sex and sexuality. This is even more pronounced with the continual advancement of technology. The devil lets no opportunity go to waste, and he has certainly perverted God’s gift of sexuality through these advancements of technology. Age-honored attitudes in which marriage was understood to be the correct and proper institution for a sexual relationship have yielded to utter immorality in the guise of personal freedom and individual choice.

Believing courtship should not take on the manner, behavior, or even communication of this world. Using our phones to send provocative messages and images only serves to feed the flesh and subvert that which is good to that which does not edify our faith.

As believers, we must be straightforward and frank in our discussions when we consider this matter. Fornication, which is sexual relations before marriage, and adultery, which is sexual relations outside of marriage, are sin along with all the fleshly acts associated with them. It is important that we not be deceived into permissiveness and leniency; “make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof” (Rom. 13:14).

Therefore, beloved brothers and sisters, it is important to court within a group setting as much as possible. Proverbs 6:27 asks “Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?”

It is also important that when it is decided that an official courtship begins, that this would not be hidden from the congregation. Courtship is a joyous matter and the congregation of God rejoices with you and prays also on your behalf.

Another worldly custom which we have seen with increasing alarm appear among God's children is the young age at which children, yes children, begin to show more than a shy and distant attraction to one another. It is quite common for worldly kids to begin dating, to use the common term, as young teenagers. Social media has certainly intensified this phenomena.

This “dating” is often only used to satisfy the lusts of the flesh, as we have alluded to already; the intention is far from finding a marriage partner. Even if someone at an early age, believer or not, would indicate future marriage intentions as the motivation for starting such a relationship, early teens are far too young, far too immature, far too irresponsible to realistically consider marriage. They do not have the practical tools or experience, the emotional maturity, or psychological development – in other words, one is totally unprepared to deal with such a commitment and relationship. “To every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven” (Eccl. 3:1).

Paul writes, “And be not conformed to this world” (Rom 12:2). Do not put yourself in the way of temptation, nor grieve your parents and the elders.

Dear child of God, in courtship, as in everyday life, when offenses and sins come, put them away under the blood of Christ!

Do you remember how the scribes and Pharisees brought a woman to Jesus who was caught in the very serious sin of adultery? The Bible doesn’t say that He wrote down their specific sins pressing on their consciences, but what He did write caused them to be convicted by their own consciences. Those sins gave them so much shame that not one dared to throw the first stone. But did they stick around to find out how they could be freed from their sins? No, rather scripture says that they left, one by one. The woman was left alone with Jesus, and our Lord and Master himself forgave her sins with this instruction to “go, and sin no more” (John 8:11). Yes, even that sin of adultery was forgiven. God’s word says, “There is no new thing under the sun” (Eccl. 1:9), and these types of serious matters which take one out of God’s Kingdom must be put away under the blood of Christ. If a couple falls in sin together, the only way to care for those wounds of conscience together is to seek out a trusted, sealed vessel in God’s Kingdom. Those matters can then be washed away by the gospel and new promises made to court in purity as children of God.

Again, dear child of God, I want to emphasize how courtship is a serious but joyful matter! As we have already stated, it should begin with an earnest prayer to our dear Heavenly Father. I still remember my prayer after my wife and I figured out that we “liked” each other. I was looking for a visible sign, much like Abraham’s servant wished to see a sign from God as to which woman would be the right one for Isaac, and I remembering praying that “Dear God, if this is the right one for me, let the sun be shining brightly when I wake up, and not overcast with clouds!” I woke up the following morning and lo, and behold, the sunshine was streaming through the windows! I could see the tree branches swaying and birds were joyfully chirping. But then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up again, it was cloudy. So, just a tiny bit of doubt crept in at that moment.

Court Openly in God’s Congregation

God and His congregation, especially the home congregation of which you are members, wishes this time of your life to be blessed and happy! It is only the enemy of souls that wishes otherwise and wants you to fall into the temptation of impurity. Therefore, keep your courtship and relationship out in the open. If you are quite young and you both are keenly aware of your feelings for each other, but have some years to wait, do not try to keep this hidden! It only serves to protect you and your relationship in purity when you can be open with your family and friends and the congregation. Members and elders of the congregation want nothing more than to see two young believers court each other in the midst of His congregation. We are all sinners and need to help each other on the way. No one, no parent, no preacher, no Sunday school teacher is above the other. We all struggle and need to lift each other up! So share the gospel frequently! Pray for one another and for the blessing of God and of His congregation! God wishes to remind you even now to “Remember now thy creator in the days of thy youth” (Eccl. 12:1).

Dear young and old here this evening, believe even now on the faithful promises of God that all your latest doubts, shortcomings, failings, and sins are all forgiven in Jesus’ name and precious atoning blood. This gospel is truly “the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth!” (Rom. 1:16).

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