When Children Grow Up
Todd and Connie Erickson | The Voice of Zion September 2026 - Home and Family articles --
Listen to your father, who gave you life and do not despise your mother when she is old.
– Proverbs 23:22, NIV
We’ve spent the past 30 years raising our children to adulthood. As we move toward retirement and reflect on life, questions and thoughts swirl: How will our children remember their childhood home? I hope our children haven’t picked up our bad habits. I hope they have more patience than me. I hope they don’t remember a sharp response or harsh words when things don’t go smoothly. I hope they are quicker to forgive. Will our weaknesses and shortcomings as parents stand out?
A parent’s lot is never to feel confident in our ability to raise children. Believing parents want their children to grow up in an environment that supports faith: going to services, Bible class, Sunday school and camps. We pray for guidance, and that our children would learn to love God and His kingdom despite our frailties and failings as parents. When parents and children freely share the gospel, worries and sorrows fade. Children remember the love and warmth of their believing childhood home. Even ones who later lose the gift of living faith are often thankful for their Christian upbringing.
Now as our older children move away and the house gradually empties, we have more time for ourselves, as a couple. This is a nice blessing. But it’s important to remember not to move on too quickly and neglect the care and guidance that our children at home still need. The words of the hymn Good and Gracious Lord are especially fitting: “Good and gracious Lord, Thank You for our home, for our family and our loved ones, for the life which you have given, all those dear to me, precious gifts from Thee” (SHZ 431:1).
Adolescents Need Parental Involvement in Their Lives
Gail Korpi
Adolescence can be a difficult time for a young person’s parents. Parents might find themselves withdrawing from their adolescent child. Sometimes parents withdraw because they are frustrated or confused by the situation and wish to avoid conflict. Perhaps a busy and stressful schedule deprives them of the energy and patience needed to effectively communicate with their child. Or they may even be so wrapped up in their own matters that they can’t bring themselves to care – a fruit of cold, selfish indifference. Parents might even fear that they will lose their child’s love and respect if they are seen to be interfering in his or her life.
But when parents withdraw from an adolescent child, they desert him or her when parental support and guidance is needed most. A wide variety of cultural, political and religious beliefs surround us in our multicultural society, and many of these values are at odds with the teaching of God’s Word and kingdom. When confronted by trends, values and beliefs that challenge or belittle the values and beliefs they learned at home, adolescents may feel confused or overwhelmed. It is important for young people to test and evaluate their beliefs. But they also crave parental respect and support and need boundaries for their own safety and security.
Outwardly, adolescents seem to resent their parents at times. But inwardly, most admire and esteem their parents. They respect their parents’ judgment and advice. Nevertheless, conflicts may arise when the parents and the adolescent both feel a need to assert their own will. Conflicts arise when an adolescent tests the boundaries to see whether the stated limits are the same as the actual limits. Sometimes an adolescent, perhaps unknowingly, feels a need to test the strength of a parent’s convictions to see whether they are the sincere values of the heart or merely the hollow assertions of the mouth.
Believing youth and parents are not immune to the difficulties and conflicts of adolescence. Believing parents may be tempted to withdraw from their children’s lives during this time. If believing adolescents feel that their parents are uninterested in them, they are unlikely to approach their parents when meaningful concerns arise.
Balancing the adolescent need for independence with their need for boundaries and security requires a delicate mixture of firmness, empathy and patience. Sincere questions about a child’s whereabouts, company and activities – as well as making reasonable rules and curfews – all convey the parents’ concern for their children and give a sense of security. In the heat of the moment, adolescents may express resentment at what they perceive to be a lack of trust or unnecessary interference. But later in life they often come to recognize the security it provided.
In certain localities there are many believing young people who form a cohesive group. It is a great blessing to have believing peers. But even in groups, believing young people are susceptible to temptation. Young people who are experiencing spiritual struggles often form their own splinter groups, where they more freely engage in unwholesome activities. Parents should not assume that adolescents are fully equipped with all the skills they need to properly support one another. It is not healthy for adolescents to spend their free time only with other youth. Believing adolescents need the stabilizing influence and role models that are found in the company of believing adults. Believing adults are real-life examples who have tested the beliefs and values that they learned in childhood and found them to be reliable and true. This in no way diminishes the fact that adolescents still need the support and guidance of their parents.
Parents must work hard to keep the lines of communication open throughout their child’s life. When communication is open and free, it is possible for parents and adolescents to discuss matters, particularly matters that weigh heavily or are confusing. Together, they can search God’s Word for answers on the questions of salvation, and for the sure foundation to build their lives on. The gospel is the healing medicine for the wounds and offenses that often occur between parents and children. But adolescence is not all conflict and difficulty. It is also a rich and rewarding time. This is especially true where God’s Spirit and love operate.
This is an excerpt from the book Fortifying the Foundation: Keeping a Christian Household (LLC 2016, pp. 152–154).
When My Child Starts Looking
Kyösti Heikkilä
When I was young, I remember thinking how the adult world seems to offer so many captivating things: independence, freedom, opportunity and more. I impatiently waited for adulthood. It felt like time was creeping along too slowly. But since I’ve become an adult, things have felt just the opposite. In adulthood, time runs away, and we quickly fly through different phases in life. I’ve experienced how the children I seemingly just carried in my arms have grown up and are beginning to find their own spouses. As a weak father, I offer advice and encouragement to you, a young person, and to myself as well.
God gives us various stages in life: childhood, youth, adulthood, and old age. The time of youth is spent preparing for the responsibilities of adulthood. Marriage and family are wonderful gifts, but they also come with duties, obligations and much work. They require maturity. For this reason, I hope you do not begin courting too young. Prepare yourself for it. Remember that believers do not casually date one another just for fun; rather, we court with marriage in mind. If someone is not ready for marriage – physically, psychologically, emotionally or spiritually – then he or she is not ready to start courting.
Believing young people want their lifelong companion also to be in living faith. It’s impossible to build a complete life together – where everything, including the Holy Spirit, is shared – with someone who is outside of God’s kingdom. We don’t want to play with serious matters, such as courtship with someone who isn’t believing. Remember, you can approach your heavenly father in prayer, asking Him to reveal a companion and to give a spouse. Even after you begin courting, you can pray together that God would give you to each other in marriage. The times of courtship and engagement are intended for getting to know each other. But during these times, you do not belong to each other yet. For this reason, it is important to remember the Holy Spirit’s advice, as Paul writes, “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22).
Nowadays, many young people freely share that they have decided to start courting, and their courtship begins openly. This is a beautiful way of doing things. Courting couples who do this are not looking to hide in the corners or shadows where many dangers lurk. It makes me happy to see my child’s companion freely coming into our house and feeling at home with our family. But it’s important to remember that the time of courtship certainly includes much more than courtship itself. Study, work, home, and the other believers all continue to be a part of life, and courtship should not push them aside.
As a parent, I also want to remind myself about a few important matters concerning my child’s courtship. My children have their own lives, which include establishing their own households and families. Courtship and the selection of a spouse are early parts of this process. They will find their spouses on their own and as God allows. I want to pray for my child and ask God to give my child a suitable spouse. Fatherhood obligates me to talk with my children about the responsibilities and duties of marriage, and to remind them how important a pure courtship is. Oh, how I wish to do this lovingly – as an escort and friend!
My own personal experience prompts me to share these thoughts, and I believe that many fathers and mothers also share them. You, our young people, are the children of many prayers! Remember that the grace altar is found in God’s kingdom, and that someone who is weak and faulty has permission to approach it. The blood of our Lord Jesus cleanses penitent ones from the faults of life’s journey. When you thus endeavor to keep faith, God will bless your life.
This is an excerpt from the book Fortifying the Foundation: Keeping a Christian Household (LLC 2016, pp. 89–91).
A Psalm for Parents
Your precious gems from heaven –
the young blessed to our care –
Lord, give us strength to raise them.
Your Gospel help us share,
to teach of Jesus’ mercy,
of His abundant grace,
until at home in glory
we see His loving face.
Alone we cannot do this,
we need God’s kingdom here.
As Mother, She directs us
and quells our every fear.
Our children, She protects them
within Her warm embrace.
Oh, may they always hearken
and heed Her call to faith.
We pray, on life’s endeavor
in faith they would remain,
that they forsake it never,
and heaven’s shore attain.
And when the battle’s ended,
their travel staff set down,
Lord, take them home to heaven
as jewels for Your crown.
Ed Tolkkinen, 2024, rev. 2026
Instructions from Scripture
How shall the young secure their hearts
and guard their time of youth?
God’s Word the counsel best imparts
to live in love and truth.
Your Word, O God, is heav’nly light
that guides us all the day,
and through the dangers of the night
a lamp to lead our way.
Among the children in Your fold
Your Word is preached and known.
They travel on the paths of old
where living faith is sown.
Your teachings give direction wise
to walk the narrow road.
Oh, quash vain thoughts in me that rise.
Oh, help me love Your Word.
Your Word is everlasting truth;
how pure is every page!
Your Holy Book shall guide our youth,
and well support our age.
Isaac Watts 1719; alt. Aaron Wuollet 2026
Discussion questions
When is a parent’s job done?
How do relationships between parents and children change as children grow older and begin to move out of the home?
What are some things parents and their young adult children can do to establish and maintain a positive and mutually beneficial relationship?
In what ways can parents continue to support, mentor and encourage their children who have left the nest?
The fourth commandment instructs us to honor our parents, and God’s Word gives no expiration date for it. How do young adult children continue to honor and esteem their parents?
Who is responsible for putting more effort into building a positive relationship – parents or their adult children? Why?